Lots of Changes...

I recently (and by recently I mean that I am going into my third week) started college. I was so looking forward to this new adventure. I didn't know what to expect, but I couldn't wait to start. As the time drew closer, I became more nervous. What if I can't follow what's going on? What if my teachers are mean? Is it worth the money? What if I fail? That was the biggest question of all.
Nobody goes in to something new, hoping to fail. If they do hope to fail, what's the point in even trying... I was told by several people that I would be ok, because I'm smart. That offered little comfort. I don't like change, and I don't like surprises. I like to know exactly what's going on, so I can feel that I have some control of my situation.
Nobody told me that I would have to write a new paper every week. But only the first draft is due? When am I going to have time to write a second and/or final draft if I keep getting an assignment for a new paper? I enjoy the creative outlet, but I don't want to write a paper for the hell of it. If I wanted to have a creative outlet every week, I'd work on my book.
Along with starting college, I started on the sales floor at work. That is one change where I have absolutely no control of the situation. You can't make somebody buy shoes and not return them. It has been really exciting/stressful to start a new position at work and start college.
On top of all of that, I'm seriously dating somebody. We talk everyday, and he treats me well. He encouraged and supported my decisions to go to school and move to the sales floor. He tells me that I make him want to make some changes. He is my everything, and I don't know what I would do without him.
I have 3 major changes in my life and am trying to find some sort of balance. I can't work all the time, because I have a boyfriend and school. I can't focus completely on school, because I have bills to pay and a boyfriend. I can't spend every second with Matt, because that would get old fast. I'm trying to find a way to balance all of it. It is tougher than it seems.
Someday I'll figure it all out. For now, I'm just trying to hang on and not lose my mind.

We are under attack!

There is an epidemic out there that I know concerns a great number of us. You may ask yourself a few of the following questions: What is this epidemic? Is there a cure? Do I need a vaccine? Is there no hope for man kind?

Now, before you run out and do anything rash, let me explain to you about this epidemic commonly known as V.D.

What is V.D?

V.D. is a foul disease that is forced upon us by couples who feel the need to flaunt their relationship. V.D. affects us all on level or another. I know that V.D. is very special for most, but it is a virus that must be contained. There is no cure and it causes single people to do things they otherwise wouldn't.

Of course, when I speak of V.D. I speak of Valentine's Day. It is a holiday that has been completely commercialized and emphasized to the point of exhaustion! Gone are the days when somebody shows their affection on a regular basis. Gone are the days of surprising another with a heart felt gift. Now everything is expected. If you don't have plans for V.D. you are treated as a leper.

Saint Valentine's Day should be a wonderful holiday, but it has been bastardized by jewelry, chocolate, and greeting card companies.

A BRIEF HISTORY:

Since Legenda Aurea still provided no connections whatsoever with sentimental love, appropriate lore has been embroidered in modern times to portray Valentine as a priest who refused an unattested law attributed to Roman Emperor Claudius II, allegedly ordering that young men remain single. The Emperor supposedly did this to grow his army, believing that married men did not make for good soldiers. The priest Valentine, however, secretly performed marriage ceremonies for young men. When Claudius found out about this, he had Valentine arrested and thrown in jail.

There is an additional modern embellishment to The Golden Legend, provided by American Greetings to History.com, and widely repeated despite having no historical basis whatsoever. On the evening before Valentine was to be executed, he would have written the first "valentine" card himself, addressed to a young girl variously identified as his beloved,^[15] as the jailer's daughter whom he had befriended and healed,^[16] or both. It was a note that read "From your Valentine."^[15]

(previous excerpt taken from Wikipedia)

People don't seem to know the history anymore, and feel anxiety as every February 14 draws closer. Most of this pressure seems to fall on men. It has almost become an expectation that every February 14, something romantic and outrageous must be planned by the man.

I would be willing to wager that most men only do something romantic in the hopes that maybe it will be rewarded with sex. That is poor motivation. A man should want to show a woman (and vice versa) how they feel about their partner more than just one day a year.

As I close I would like to extend my heart-felt wishes that you all enjoy your V.D. and that you share it with the person you care about the most!

Back to school!

I have been looking into going to school for a number of years. I am a strong, single, reasonably independent woman, and am punished for it.

I cannot afford school on my own. It's really expensive! Most scholarships and government aid goes to "African Americans," and single, working moms. So because I'm a responsible, single, white female with a job, Uncle Sam doesn't want to help me.

In my opinion, if you are going to go to school for a specific profession, you should try to go to the best school possible for that. Most of the time, that means a lot more money. I'm ok with that, if I can get help with the tuition. But because I can't get government help, I have to go to a community college. (Not that I frown on community colleges. They just aren't my first choice.)

I'm excited that I can go to school, but I'm a little upset about the fact that it's not my first choice school. All I need is for somebody to give me a million dollars, even a quarter of a million would do, so that I can pay off my credit cards and pay for school.

Unfortunately, I have no rich relatives and no sugar daddy. Some day, maybe!

Ultimatums

Lately, I have been thinking about moving back home. My sister is potentially getting a better job opportunity in August, and I don't want to live out here all by myself. I thought that I would be able to move back home, save some money for school, and be closer to my family. I told Sgt Major Jimmy about my thought, and all he had to say was "You know I can't do long distance." That says to me that I can either choose to move back home, be closer to my family, and break up with him or stay here all by myself and stay with Sgt Major. 

To me that sounds like an ultimatum. I don't do well with ultimatums. He doesn't realize that I want to be closer to my family. I want to save money so that I can go to school. I want to be able to see my niece grow up. 

Does that make me selfish? Does that make me a bad person? 

Just because I want to spend more time with my family, doesn't make me a bad person. Just because I want to save more money to go to school doesn't make me selfish. Why must it be one or the other?

As of right now, I don't even care about what position I would have at work. I just want to be near my family, so I can see my niece more often. I miss hanging out with my brother whenever I want. I miss seeing my niece on an almost daily basis. 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to stay here all by myself. For holidays and birthdays, I would be all alone. I don't see why we wouldn't be able to make a long distance relationship work.

He told me that he wouldn't hold me back from making my life better, but I think being around my family would make my life better. Why must I be faced with an either/or decision? Why can't I have both? 

I wish somebody would just tell me what to do!

Ramblings of a broken heart

Not that anybody really cares about my boy problems, but whatever!

So last week, I hadn't talked to SM Jimmy for a while. I sent him a text message to see how he was doing and what was going on. I had been really busy with work, and really stressed out, so I decided to talk to the one person who can always make my day better. SM called me and instantly started pissing and moaning about how awful his week had been. He told me that he had been working long days and was getting yelled at by everybody and blah blah blah blah blah blah. During this conversation, I could tell that he was upset and had been drinking a little. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't going to have any time for me for the next while, and that he was going to re-enlist in the Army for another 3 years. (That's a different subject, but whatever.) 

He dropped an even bigger bombshell on me. He told me that he had been thinking about us lately and didn't know how he wanted to go forward.

Uh...............What? Am I missing something? Did SM really just break up with me, OVER THE PHONE???

I thought that everything was going well with us, but apparently I was fooling myself. 

Needless to say, I cried like I have never cried before. I cried so hard, for so long, that I could barely breathe when I went back to the living room to watch a movie with my sister. She noticed that something was  wrong, and obviously I started bawling again.

I then decided to go to the liquor store, in my pajamas, with tears and snot running down my face, and buy as much hard liquor as I could find. The guy behind the counter was very polite and very kind, and even took all of my stuff out to my car. I went home and decided that the best solution for a broken heart is heavy drinking. I decided to take a few shots and try to numb the pain and the emptiness that I felt.

Why can't men handle stress? Why do they turn into big pansies when they're sick or stressed out? Did it ever occur to him that my week had been just as bad, and mine wasn't even over yet? Huh? 

I sent SM Jimmy a text message on Thursday night, and told him, "Since you implied that you don't want to be with me anymore, I would like all my stuff that I left at the barracks." On Friday morning, I was at work and was finally sitting in my office, and I get a message from him saying. "I did not say that I did not want to be with you." 

OK! Let me go off on a little tangent really quick.

First of all, there are many things wrong with that last comment. If he doesn't have time for me and he doesn't know what he wants to happen between us, wouldn't that mean that he doesn't want to be with me anymore? I even asked a few guys, just to get their opinion, and they said that I was right. Who says what he said without meaning that they want to break up? 

Secondly. Obviously I'm not that important to him, because he "doesn't have time for me." We make time for things that are important to us, and that we care about. I didn't have time for him when we first got together because I was working 2 jobs, but you know what? I MADE TIME, BECAUSE IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!

Now, back to the story.

I sat at my desk and thought about what to say in reply to his text message. I had so many emotions running through my body at that point in time (p.s. I had been up for over 24 hours, drinking and crying, so that added a lot of emotions.). I retorted with. "That's what you made it sound like, sorry." (I know that I shouldn't have said sorry, but the lack of sleep was getting to me and I was saying stupid things.) He came back with, "Was not trying to. I'll call you later." 

So now it's been 2 days since I have had any sort of contact with him, and guess what? Still no phone call. DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU'LL CALL ME, IF YOU AREN'T PLANNING ON CALLING ME!!! That makes you a liar and I hate liars.

I honestly hope that he does call me, because I have some choice words for him. He knows that my heart has been broken multiple times, and that it's hard for me to get close to somebody. When I finally got close to him, he decided to pull this shit. Stupid men! 

So starting at this point in time, I am done with men. They are nothing but heartache, pain, and a reason to drink heavily. I hate them all! I know that I will end up loving them again, but right now, I don't. All I want to do is lock myself in a cold, dark room with a bottle of whiskey, and sleep and cry and hate men, ALONE!

So, all in all, life is peachy right now!

It's about time!

Many people know the name Mike Vanderjagt. If you are from Indianapolis, all you can do is shake your head and get pissed off when you hear that name. I was looking at the top news articles, and stumbled across the following story.

Saturday, May 31, 2008 10:37 am EDT

Vanderjagt returning to CFL with Toronto Argonauts

Kicker Mike Vanderjagt, abruptly cut by the Cowboys during the 2006 campaign after signing a big-money (for an idiot kicker) deal in the offseason, has been unable to find work in the NFL since then. And so he's apparently giving up.

Vanderjagt reportedly will sign with the Toronto Argonauts, returning to the team for which he played through 1997, before jumping to the Indianapolis Colts according to Profootballtalk.com.

Vanderjagt, who kicked West Virginia University, is the most accurate kicker in NFL history. But he also has a history of missing key kicks, including the one he put into the Gatorade bucket against the Steelers to punctuate a stunning 2005 divisional playoff loss.

Source: Profootballtalk.com

All I can say about that is; It's about time! He was an accurate kicker, when he wasn't choking on the 30 yard kicks in important games. I would be lying if I said that I didn't laugh when I read this article.

G.I. Joe

For years, now, I have been attracted to men in the military. I have no idea why, though, and that's the funny thing. Normally people know why they like or dislike something, but I really have no idea. I haven't ever, until recently, really thought about how much I like military men (especially Army). I just think it's funny because I didn't get my heart broken by an Army guy, and normally, as humans, we do things that once caused us pain, in hopes to get over it. 

When I was in high school, there were always Army, Marine, and Navy recruiters in the cafeteria, hoping to convince teenagers to join some branch of the military. Many of these confused teenagers would talk to the recruiters, and eventually join. To me, this was always a stupid choice. Why would anybody willingly put their life in danger for millions of people they don't know? 

The war in Iraq started when I was in high school, so many of these young boys and girls knew there was a possibility of being shipped over seas and dying. They were all drawn to these recruiters like bees to honey. They hung on every word they said and couldn't wait to turn 18, so they could be shipped to training and become the next kid to get shipped back home in a body bag. (I don't oppose the military. Honestly.)

I really do admire those who serve our country. They are heroes and are courageously doing something that I wouldn't have the guts to do. Don't think that I'm trying to criticize the military or dog on those who choose to serve in it. I respect almost all of the men and women in the military. They are doing a job that I sure don't want to do.

Back to my point. 

In my high school years, I started watching movies about war and the military. Most of them showed hot men in uniforms (maybe that's why I like the military men so much!!!). I then started hanging out with guys who would were either in the military or soon would be. I've associated with a number of men and women in the military over the years. Most of them, I don't really talk to anymore, which is sad, but that's a different story for a different day.

My obsession with military men didn't fully announce itself until I moved to Kansas about 2 years ago. There are 2 bases within 2 hours of me, and that is no good.

My friend, let's call him K Man, sent me an email right after I moved to Kansas. He told me that he would be in Indianapolis for about 5 days, and that we should hang out. I told him that I had moved, and that I wasn't going to be in Indianapolis, to visit, for a couple of months. We caught up on our happenings over the next couple months, when I discovered that he was stationed at Fort Riley. I told him that we needed to hang out, because we hadn't seen each other since senior year of high school. 

I decided to take a weekend off of work and go visit him and his Army buddies. We partied, hung out, and had an over-all good time. That added a little more heat to the small fire that burned for military men. 

I hadn't had much luck in the dating scene out here, so I decided to start looking online, just to see if my chances would be any better. Many of the web sites I put myself on were crawling with military guys, mainly Army guys. 

I decided to give one guy a chance, let's call him PFC Bob. He seemed sweet, funny, and an over-all decent guy. We would talk on the phone for hours, and still have more to talk about the next day. We talked about pretty much everything. We decided to meet, in person, at the movies. This was my first time meeting somebody off the internet, who none of my friends already knew. PFC Bob had just gotten off work, so he was still in his ACUs (can we say HOT!!). He was an MP. We went to the movie and talked about a lot of things. I should have known that he was no good when he said he still lived at home with his parents and spent most of his time playing Halo 3. He was a perfect gentleman. He opened the doors for me and even asked if he could put his arm around me. It was cute, but weird at the same time. Be a man!!! If I don't want your arm around me, I'll move it off of me. The movie sucked, p.s. by the way. Neither one of us wanted to leave, yet, so we walked around, outside the movie theater. We talked a lot, and made out even more. (Don't judge me! I hadn't had a good make out in years, so I was due for it.) I told him that I needed to head home, because it was getting late and I had to be at work early the next day. His response to that was to ask if I wanted to go home with him. STRIKE ONE! He lives at home, with his parents, and they were home at that moment. I'm not going to sneak into their house to have sex with you! STRIKE TWO! I just met him, and he thinks that just because I'm on online dating sites that I'm automatically going to sleep with him when I meet him? Don't be stupid.

Needless to say, I didn't talk to him after that. It really worked out well for me, because right after I quit talking to him, I started talking to another guy, from a different site. He was from Texas, and guess what? Also, in the Army, let's call him Sergeant Major Jimmy. 

SM Jimmy and I started talking on a fairly regular basis. We had decided that we were going to meet, get drunk, and see what happened. Since that was what I was used to from Army men, it didn't phase me. We talked for about a month, and finally decided to meet.

I decided to drive to Fort Riley and meet SM Jimmy. I had taken the whole weekend off, so I would have plenty of time to get to know him. Unfortunately, SM had to work from 9am Friday to 9am Saturday. I got to the base around 9pm Friday night. SM and I clicked instantly. I didn't want to stay in the barracks all by myself, so I decided to stay awake with him, while he was on guard duty. I stayed awake with him until about 2 am, and finally had to get to sleep. I had been working all day and was tired. He took me to the barracks and showed me around a little bit. I went to sleep and he went back on duty.

I woke up Saturday morning, just in time to see him walk into the barracks room in his ACUs (barrette and all! HOT!!) As soon as he stepped into the room, my heart skipped a beat, and I knew that I was going to fall for this guy. 

Since that first meeting in February, we have tried to see each other every other weekend. Sometimes it doesn't happen, and it makes me sad. He is the man I have waited my life to meet, and now that I have him, I don't ever want to let him go. My best days are when I get to see his smiling face staring at me like it's the first time he's seen me. My worst days are the times I have to tell him goodbye. I love my G.I. Joe and can't wait to see where life takes us.